Me Myself and I

.....Actually they do. I have stopped twatting about with my mental health and returned to the embrace of SSRIs. My splendid doctor assured me that I was not being weak or not trying hard enough. I have a chronic condition that is relatively easy to control with one pill a day. Four calm and happy weeks have proved this.  In other news, we had a few days in Yorkshire with the dog. It was as fabulous as ever, majestic scenery, lots of weather and plenty of time with my favourite husband. Bliss. The dog collected many samples of Yorkshire mud and ran himself stupid on the moors.  Back home and plans continue for the subsiding conservatory to be demolished and something splendid to be erected in its place. Our architect has confirmed that our shite local council will use up every day allowed by law to process a planning application, no surprise at all. We are lucky enough to be served by the notorious council that has almost bankrupted itself. When you are govern...

Here we go again. Despite trying my hardest and using all the coping skills I've learnt, depression is back on the scene. Big time. I feel totally beaten and exhausted with trying to fight it, all to no avail. Externally I am still and quiet. Internally my mind is reeling, bouncing from fear to anger to despair. I've tried to behave "normally" and conceal the turmoil, I'm rather good at this.  I've shared my despair with my poor long-suffering husband, I have no idea how he can keep supporting me through this misery. I would leave my mind behind and run for the hills if it were possible.  I feel broken and a failure.

...in the words of Alan Partridge, not Bono. Shitting 'orrible cold was not planned, so the garden has been neglected this weekend, great things were planned, maybe next week. A kitchen planner planned our kitchen and quoted £16k for nothing special, A rethink is being thunk. A lovely Saturday walk was had with husband chops and Keith, Delapre Abbey looked stunning in the sun and a delish bacon sandwich was consumed, Keith had rind and a bowl of water.  I am hooking away at various projects, just need to finish some before I start any more. I am on a yarn diet-my stash will be hooked/knitted up before I buy any more. We'll see how that goes...  I went to Coventry in the week with my daughters and the grandchild. I couldn't believe how much building was going on, it was good to see. We were befriended by a local in the old cathedral ruins. She seemed to have rather an advanced knowledge of heroin, and she disliked my youngest daughter name! Kind of her to tell ...

Dear Lisa,   This is a letter to you to try and help you understand yourself a little better.  Your mental health issues are not caused by your actions. They are simply chemical reactions that you have no control over. You need to stop the self-hate and constant over analysing of everything. Some days are mentally shit, you didn't cause this, it sometimes just happens.    You also need to stop worrying about other peoples feelings towards you. Not everyone will like you, You don't like everyone either, that's fine, it's just life. Other people will also have shit days, unless you have directly caused these days, they are not your problem. If you want to try and help, then do , but be prepared to not be needed. This is also fine and does not mean you have failed. Let it drop.   You also need to stop trying to change your life in a day, and when that fails give up. The things you need to change are long-term habits/problems. They didn't happen o...

Funny thing life. You're in it until you die, living away, doing what humans do, hopefully not being too revolting to the planet and its occupants. You can choose when to end it but not when to begin it. I constantly question my place in life, am I needed, am I happy, should I try harder etc. Some days are pretty meaningless- eat, sleep, clean, exist. Others are more rewarding- laughter, conversation, making stuff. At this time of the year, I always struggle with negative thoughts and lack of energy. Days are getting cooler and shorter, colours are more subdued, the garden is dying back for the winter, Jumpers are needed for dog walking.  Husband chops has started his annual rant at the retail industry and its need to start Xmas in October, Every year he does this but the retail industry doesn't listen, neither do I. Aches seem to be my thing this autumn, new ones appear overnight, fingers are less flexible, joints creak like old ships timbers. My mind is rather slu...

Well that was a windy night! A large tree was blown over on the ancient drovers' track that borders our garden. On its descent it managed to sideswipe an ash tree, removing several large branches, So now the track is completely blocked. As it is a public footpath owned by our local council and is heavily used by kids on their way to school and many dog walkers, I thought it might have been cleared quite quickly......hehehe, I'm such a joker. Four days later and not a sight of a council high-vis to be seen.   Husband chops has been to America, he managed to put on 4lb in less than a week, that's some impressive eating, but at least he hasn't caught plane-lurg for once. I miss him madly, the house is so tidy without him.   Keith and I have been in gardening mode, Keith chases leaves, I prune like a maniac. I was listening to the Buzzards calling high above me, Majestic birds, but bloody HUGE close up. I'm following  tips in a handy little book about shade gardening ...

Etc. Studied Keats at A level. I found him to be a strange combination of bitter and too flowery. Thomas Hardy, who I also studied, has turned out to be a lifelong companion. I adore the descriptions of rural life not so very long ago. His characters remain real and human to me, as does the bleakness that life sometimes offers. If we had a son I would have named him Gabriel Oak, not sure husband chops would have agreed..... Anyhoo, life plods along, thoughts and moods come and go. Feelings are over-examined and then dismissed. I try not to link everything to mental illness, but as it's my biggest fear in life, it's hard not to.  Darling granddaughter changes every time we see her, I had completely forgotten that babies practice this alchemy. From a baby-shaped bundle, a little personality is emerging. She has her dads eye/forehead area and her mums' lungs!  Our own "baby" has turned 28! Not sure how that happened, Last time I looked she was a fierce little lion ...

Yep, she's finally here! Today we met our first granddaughter, a vision of gorgeousness who has captured our saggy old hearts and made them beat with a new vigour. She is obviously the most perfect baby ever born, and her doting parents look like they were just made to have her in their lives. The NHS has been as splendid as always, kind staff doing a difficult job, for which we are so grateful.     For one day, sod Brexit, sod Trump and bollocks to all the hate in the world. My little family is safe and happy. This is my day of pure contented pride and love.

Finally grew a pair and dumped my vile mother. A week in, and life is calm and happy. I am sleeping better than I have in months, and my anxiety levels have plummeted. Keith approves too.

Keith gets a postcard.

...as certain redtops describe the merest hint of sun. Actually it would seem a quite accurate description of our current weather. Everywhere is scorched, including my nose, ouch. The dog is busy rounding up flies and poking frogs with a shaggy paw. We are lucky enough to have a few frogs around the garden, added to the hog that visits, which means very few slugs. I was lucky enough to see a bloody enormous hornet drinking from the pond, a truly magnificent, if somewhat scary beast. We also currently have the huge green/blue dragonflies flitting over the pond, I love them.   Husband chops is off on his travels, which means the house is tidy but very lonely. I am occupying my time with ridding the dog of fleas, which we think came from our holiday let. I have invested in a zapper comb thing which kills the little buggers. It also seems to give the dog an erection. Oops. I'm also going for more but shorter dog walks, to try and keep Keith cool. We had a wander along the canal a...

Yup Keith is one today. The pic is him at about 8 weeks old. He has had cake (a pork pie), a new bed and a whiffy bone. We were going for an extra long walk, but the heat is just too much. He is a very splendid dog, who is doing well in his obedience training, but is still having issues with cushion sex. Dirty boy.   We've just come back from a few days in Cornwall which was good fun. We rented a dirt cheap caravan so we could take Keith, and it was great. Very old but spotlessly clean, with no entertainment..YESSSS! We introduced Keith to the sea, which he drank, then puked. The second time he was much more realistic about salt water and just ran in and out of the waves after his tennis ball, with no drinking. Husband chops is covered in insect bites which is really odd as it's usually me that gets eaten alive. Poor chap.   We've finished the final piece of our garden, it only took us ten years, and it looks bloody great. I'm hosting a baby shower in a couple of we...

And the living is easy. Actually, it isn't easy. Things keep tripping me up.  People that I don't want in my life but am too cowardly to dump. Falling off the healthy eating wagon and straight into a vat of chocolate. Mud-so much of it! Where is the bloody sun?  Memory issues are the worst thing though, things I thought I knew now elude me. The tip of my tongue is littered with words I needed but couldn't find. Buggeringly infuriating.   Husband is back from a trip to China, with my favourite Jo Malone scent, What a keeper he is. Less so the amount of stuff he leaves EVERYWHERE. He is a slow-moving hurricane that picks up objects and deposits them in other places. Which is probably why he can never find anything. I love him dearly, but he is so very untidy.  I want to garden but have to be content with nipping out for a wander between the showers. I have roses in bud and just a little sunshine would bring them out. The ponds are very full and the ta...

Bloody depression. Trying very hard to keep it at bay. Sometimes hiding in bed for a couple of hours works, Today I am painting anything wooden in the garden (except trees) as an antidote. Working well so far, even though the garden does resemble the worst book ever written- Fifty shades of grey.  Oh well, brushes at the ready and off I go.....

We have a rather nice garden pond with some rather nice fish in it, Well we did have! About eight have gone, as they are not likely to have wandered off, We assume they have been stolen. As we have no otters, we are think the thief is a heron. Husband chops has gone into protection mode, purchasing a water based heron scarer and a wildlife camera thing. The scarer has a motion detector that triggers a loud clicking noise and a spray of water. So far it has sprayed me, the dog, husband, next doors cat and a large crow. We also have HD quality photos of .......My arse, Husband peering myopically at the camera and a squirrels leg.  But no more fish have gone-probably because the heron is sitting in a tree laughing at us and our pathetic endeavours.     I have been purchasing tiny clothes for the upcoming granddaughter,  I'm so chuffed it's a girl as I don't know what you do with baby boys. Plus boys clothes are sooo boring, and I love pink, stereotype or not. Mum ...

The wedding is over. It was amazing. The brides looked beautiful, the registrar was a giggle, the venue was dusted with snow and looked perfect. We drank, we ate, we chatted and chuckled. Speeches were made, eyes watered a little. The cake was delicious, and the dancing was....interesting. A man and a guitar provided good music and the bridesmaids were immaculate in blue.    What a day, exhausting, emotional and bloody brilliant. Our daughters have grown and flown. Now it's just me and himself, my best friend and true love. I am so incredibly lucky.

A rather fabulous bit of news was delivered to us on Christmas day, We are going to be grandparents! Delighted doesn't even begin to describe the feelings running through my head.  Oh, the joy of having something small and cute to cuddle......that you can hand back if it wails or poops! Eldest and her lovely husband are starting on the best journey in the world, exhausting and challenging but also huge fun and very rewarding. Our new game is to come up with the worst baby names, Donald seems rather current.    In other news, it's less than a week until the youngest daughter ties the knot! I can't wait to see her and her lovely lady become Mrs and Mrs, it's rather good to live in an age when you choose a partner that you love, rather than one society deems suitable.  My heart goes out to all the generations who had to make do with the choice the law allowed them, or to spend life alone or hidden. The wedding plans are well advanced ( thankfully daughter-in-law-to-be ...

North Yorkshire that is. Keith has declared it as his own canine heaven and who could blame him. We are spending a few days close to Richmond, in a splendid log cabin. When I say log cabin, it is actually centrally heated, with a dishwasher and power shower and wifi- hardly roughing it. We've been here many times as it's perfect for us, only a few lodges, no entertainment (shudders!), and lots of lovely countryside to explore. Bliss.   The quaint little town of Richmond is on our doorstep, with loads of Georgian buildings and a fabulous market place. People are friendly and dogs are abundant. I could live here *sighs*, bit of a commute for himself though!   I sat on a covered deck to drink the first coffee of the day and saw Blue tits, Great tits, Long-tailed tits and Dunnocks. Also two fighting robins and a pair of Nuthatches, very exciting. Keith is delighted by the sight and smell of rabbits. Lots of rabbits. They obviously have him well sussed and bob out of sight if he ...

...Yep the big glowing warm thing is back! Sunshine I love you, with all your cancer giving badness, and your hints that spring may actually arrive. I took Keith for a long walk to celebrate, We ambled along the Grand Union Canal, Keith fell in twice, I stayed dry. The bloody dog has no sense.  No boats today, but ours is a neglected little arm during the cold months. The Canada geese were honking loudly, probably wondering what that whiffy dog was doing in their watery domain. We saw the 5 Collie family too, Perfectly behaved border collies that stopped dead and gave Keith the stink eye.  Like a canine Mafia. He hid behind me. Coward.    I also made a substantial dent in the bunting mountain, my sewing machine was glowing like a racing car brake disk, and so was I. Especially as the fuckwit dog was eating the bunting tape.  My search for a potential "thing" to wear in my hair updo for the wedding took a weird turn. I found a jaunty little fascinator/tiny ...

This weekend I lost my Ice Hockey virginity. OMG what a crazy sport, very fast, very skilled and very entertaining. The players are incredibly graceful when skating- both backwards and forwards, and the speed with which they turn is something else. The puck controlling is gravity defying and difficult to follow, much concentration is needed. My title refers to the total disregard for life and limb that is part of the game, players bounce off walls and each other, no wonder they wear so much padding. The only negative point was the cold, I thought I had enough layers on- wrong! Very good fun though, hopefully to be repeated.   Husband chops is off on his travels again, Zurich this time, So it's just me and the dog. The dog who reeks of garlic. Nice. As part of Keiths (the dog) training, we've been trying to find treats that he wants above every stick, leaf and distraction in the world. Having tried all the branded treats (organic, cheap, meaty, fishy, expensive, VERY expensive,...

Another day, another waffle. The cold continues, I was going to light the wood burner in the conservatory to soak up some much-needed sunlight, but it's soooo cold in there I thought better of it. Instead, i've been making 12 th scale furniture for my latest dolls house. The only problem is my random wiping of glue onto anything within arms reach- table, trousers, dog and somewhat accidentally my hair! Still, picking PVA off of things is rather satisfying. I gave up with the hair though and just stuck on a bobble hat (literally) for Keith walking duties.  The other half left at sparrow fart for Amsterdam then Germany, He's a busy boy. His carting went well although he "Could have gone faster". Oh dear, more planning and tactics to occupy his waking hours.   I put a little stale dog food on the bird table this morning and now I have my own murder of Crows. Oops. I do find them fascinating, they were lurking and egging (Boom Boom) each other on, to land on ...

The dog had a very quick walk this morning! All the lovely sunshine hid the arctic temperature outside. On the plus side, I did drag home a very large branch to be chopped and stored for the log burner. God knows what the neighbours think! They're probably used to me by now- or they've given up and moved.  Youngest daughters wedding draws ever closer. The bridesmaids were sorted out very quickly in a visit to the hell that is Milton Keynes. Dresses were chosen and modelled and looked beautiful.  That was the easy bit... The traffic around Central Milton Keynes was bloody horrendous. Considering it is a relatively new town ( not a city, just very pretentious) and has had a solid chunk of planning, rather than centuries of fiddling about, it is totally shit! I hate the place with a passion and only venture there for wedding attire and Ikea shopping carnage. I much prefer the internet for shopping, no chavs, monster baby buggies and ill-mannered brats getting in my way. Maybe I ...

Yes! after days of clouds and drizzle, a little brightness has appeared, I shall be able to walk the dog without dressing for a polar expedition. This winter does seem very long and a bit meh! I do like cold and frosty days but they seem very rare of late.    This weekend I am going wedding shopping with daughter number 2- the bride, and daughter no1- the bridesmaid. Plus lord knows how many other peeps. This is my first two-bride wedding and I am really looking forward to it. Me and the husband were having a proud parent chat the other night, two smart and funny daughters, both with careers they enjoy, both living in lovely houses, and both with splendid partners. We think we did ok.    Two of my sewing group friends have just been to Iceland, not the shop, the country,  they are both quite "mature". They loved it, the scenery, the people, and the chance to learn more about our planet. They inspire me with their zest for life and their love of people. Good la...

I follow a few blogs and have found other blogs through them. Recently there seems to be a spike in trolls airing their silly little jibes and petty thoughts on several of these blogs. I don't understand trolls, If I think somebody is a twat, I want to stand in front of them and call them a twat. I want to see their face and hear the intake of breath, Where's the joy in lurking in front of a screen with no connection to reality?    I wonder what the troll is like in real life? Is there a specific type of person who becomes a troll? I tend to think of the troll as a middle-aged man, Daily Mail reader, probably single, Maybe quite shy as his views are probably not mainstream, possibly not very intelligent.  So there sits my troll figure, in his small bedroom (elderly mum is probably downstairs), munching on Pringles, probably in his underpants in case he wanders across some porn on the internet, Will he have posters of totally unattainable women on his walls? Oh...

Well another week begins, A death this morning-expected but sad, and the remnants of the womanflu still linger. The dog is getting very short walks due to my lack of energy, Which is a shame as he is on a proper shagging marathon at the moment. Dirty hormonal little sod.   The weather has been bloody awful, so dull and damp, even the squirrels seem subdued. The footpaths around our area are muddy and slippery, not very pleasant. Plus the rat is back in the garden, oh joy!   In other news Trump still seems hell-bent on upsetting every sane person on the planet. We still have no idea what to do with all the plastic we create and dump, plus a big employer (Carillion) has gone tits up, great start to 2018 for all its employees!    Well I am a happy bunny aren't I? ........... Maybe I should drown my sorrows in a nice cup of Earl Grey, yup, enough of my misery!

Wow what a week. Dearly beloved passed me his germs and I have felt totally crap. I haven't had a cold/flu thing like this since....ever! I just feel so bloody weak, shuffling along with the dog, coughing and spluttering like a consumptive. Bloody horrible.  Moving on, I found out today that a lady I have known for 45 years has been admitted to hospital for the final time. I last saw her a few weeks ago and although she was frail and stooped, she had the same glint in her eye that she's always had. She is one of those people who really would give you her last pound, her house is always warm and welcoming and she knows ALL the best gossip. She remembers everyones birthday, however old you are, you still get a card. Her husband died many years ago, but her house is always full of friends and family, The kettle is always on, and you will be fed (like it or not!). I hope the end is quick and painless for her. Many, many people will miss her. Myself included.     The da...